I Am Where I Am
You can’t be everywhere at once
An uneasiness. A rush. The push to keep going.
Even the few minutes that I was waiting for the train, this anxiety was given all of my attention instead of taking in the moment. One might feel that the commonplace nature of waiting at the station may disqualify it from receiving any attention. And yet the moment does indeed call, and that small whisper is often left unanswered.
It is strange, I feel it now, that rush. The feeling that time is slipping through open fingers, and I willingly keep widening the gap. Why? Why do I want time to go. The willingness for time to pass, to leave. What is there on the other side? Nothing is there for me, I feel.
Today I have a photoshoot planned. A small test shoot, and even then, I still can't find myself in the moment. Have I lost what it actually means? I cannot find an escape from this.
Could the comparison of pace be what inspires this mad rush? This frustration, this shrill noise of dry fingernails against the chalkboard?
In this weariness, the conversation I had with my friend came up to the surface. I shared with him my worries, how I was so distracted, unable to focus, and in constant worry about its success. Then as we meandered with our conversation, these words came to us playfully, “ I AM WHERE I AM.”
Familiar biblical tones, reminiscent of when God spoke to Moses from the burning bush. Although I haven’t sought any mental alleviation from the scriptures in years, and any conviction was discarded in adulthood, its rhythm is comforting. Now, whenever I fear and feel the rush come to lead me back to self-doubt, I say this to myself. I am where I am.
